Anger

Before I say anything else, I want you to know that I really dislike being angry.  I really dislike losing my temper.  I really dislike conflict.  I really dislike confrontation.  I am an easy going person who most always gets along with everyone, even if I don't particularly like them.  I believe what Jesus says, love your neighbor as your self.  I believe in the golden rule, treat others as you would have them treat you.

99% of the time I manage to not let anger get the best of me.  More often than not, when someone is mean, cruel, hateful, etc. to me, I tend to let them do their thing, turn the other cheek, and walk away.  Only to slink into my own world where I have what I call a 'pity party.'  During this pity party time I will listen to certain kinds of music, mostly songs that are sad, I cry, and sometimes I feel sorry for myself.  I often wonder what I did to deserve to be treated this way.  Why am I the scapegoat?  Why is it all my fault?

Tonight was one of those truly rare occasions when I lost my temper.  Not completely, but enough for everyone around the table at a meeting I was attending to definitely know I had lost my patience.  I pride myself on not losing my temper.  On keeping a cool, calm head in heated discussions.  But tonight that all went out the window.

At some point, when you have listened to people tear you down for the past 13 months and there's just no letting up, somethings gonna happen.  I wasn't rude or mean, I didn't really strike back, but I confronted someone on something they said and ended it with "yeah right."  There were a lot of other things I wanted to say, but thank goodness God kept me from saying them.

Yes, there were several words of profanity that wanted to come spuing out of my mouth.  They were certainly racing through my mind at the time.  All I can say it 'thank you Lord, thank you.'

Returning hatred for hatred never solves anything.  If there's one thing I've learned in all my days, especially growing up in the South, is that there is no place for hatred.  There is no place for cruelty.  Letting yourself drop to this level is letting Satan have his way.  So for just that instance, I let Satan win.  I let him take control tonight and I am not happy about that.  Just because others act with stupidity and ignorance doesn't give me the right to act like that too.

It's going to be a while before I can sleep tonight.  All these thoughts just keep going through my mind and I keep replaying what happened.  I can't take back how I acted, what I said.  And truthfully, I have no desire to ask anyone for forgiveness.  Although when I say my prayers tonight, I will be asking God to forgive me.  To help me to continue to keep my feelings in check.  To be objective.  To be the loving person He expects me to be.  Nobody ever said being a Christian was easy, and certainly no one ever said being a pastor was easy.  In fact, Jesus told us that being a follower of God would bring us hatred, condemnation, and possibly death.

So I end this with, God help me please.  Help me to love those who are unlovable.  Help me to control my temper.  Help me to forgive those 'who know not what they do.'

Hope or Let Go?

 Today I read a story about a young doctor, still in his internship, who had to confront this question in a very traumatic way.  He was part of a team that worked on a man who had been burned over 90% of his body in an explosion.  The man was going to die.  His wife and child were waiting outside.  The man is in considerable pain, obviously.  He is being given oxygen from a mask over his  mouth and nose.  He is barely audible.  The lead doctor says it's time to intubate.  But the young doctor knows if the man is sedated in order for them to do this that he'll never get to tell his wife and child that he loves them and they won't get to say goodbye to him.  The lead doctor decides intubation is what they're doing and then he goes out and talks to the family after it's done.  He brings the wife in and she sits beside her husband, holds his hand, and hopes for the best.  The young doctor struggles with this decision, even though it wasn't his to make.  Which is better, to give hope or to let go?

There are a lot of things in life that give us this option.  We can have hope that we'll get that job we want or we can let go of the worry and just see what happens.  We can have hope that the cute guy across the room will ask us to dance or we can let go knowing that there's no way he's ever gonna do that (high school days, remember girls?)  We can have hope that we pass that test, or let go of the fear and just do the best we are capable of.  We can have hope that the car makes it to the gas station before we run out of gas or we can let go of the worry and just coast on in. We can have hope that our children will grow up to be wonderful people who do all the right thing, get the great grades, etc. or we can let go and accept them for whoever they become.

To me there are three 'hope or let go' situations that seem the hardest to me.

#1  There is the hope that a friend or loved one will survive a surgery or beat a terrible disease. Or should we let go of that person and let them go to Jesus in peace because logically we know that there is no hope even though our hearts want to hope and believe in a miracle.

#2  There is the hope that the man or woman we have fallen in love with will return that love in the same way.  That if they will love us as much as we love them then we can have this beautiful, forever relationship with each other.  Or should we let go?  Maybe logically we know that this isn't possible.  Perhaps this is the best, closest relationship we've ever had and we need to let go of this hope so as not to ruin what we already have.

#3  There is the hope that God is watching over us no matter what we do.  The hope that Jesus loves us through thick and thin.  That He will never give up on us.  That He will provide for us.  That we will go to heaven when Jesus returns.  Or do we let go, just assume that all the above is automatically going to happen because Jesus gave his life for us up on that cross and forgave all our sins?  Do we let go and just live our lives anyway we want, right or wrong, and just assume that we are forgiven and yes, we'll go to heaven because of this?  

There is a big flaw in the thinking of #3.  Yes, it is true that God is always watching over us, that Jesus loves us unconditionally and will never give up on us, and that he died on that cross for our sins.  BUT, that's all good and fine until we just ASSUME.  Jesus tells us that we must repent.  We must ask for forgiveness.  We must try to live our lives by the examples Jesus taught us.  NO, we cannot just go out and do whatever we want, live anyway we feel like it, and expect to get into heaven.  Jesus knows that we will make mistakes.  But to out right ignore his teachings is completely idiotic.  If this is the way you choose to live then you are letting Satan rule your life.  Satan is the one telling you it's ok to do whatever you want.  "Go ahead," he says, "do whatever you want, God doesn't care, Jesus already died for you."  And if you fall victim to this vicious lie then you are going to regret it.  

Jesus did die on that cross for you and your sins.  But he didn't do it in vane.  There are expectations.  Expectations that you will follow the instructions given to you in the Bible.  He didn't walk around on this earth preaching and telling his parables for nothing.  He did it to teach us and to help us understand what it means to be a Christian and what is means to go out and make disciples of the world.  

I'm sure Mary Magdalene, his mother Mary, the disciples, and many others hoped that he would save himself from this cruel torture and death.  But that was not the plan the Father had in mind.  He suffered, and suffered greatly for us.  He sacrificed himself for us.  He was not a martyr.  He was and is our guide.  Our guide to the promised land, to join him in heaven with the Father.  

As for the other situations, that's your call.  Discern the situation at hand, and make the best decision you can. And if you ask, Jesus will help you find the right answer.

Trials and Tribulations

Well, this weekend started good.  But yesterday started the downfall.  First was picking up someone at the bus station and the bus ended up being 1 1/2 hours late.  So had to drop this friend off at another friend's house so I could get to work.  Then at work I was supposed to make around $100 in tips, turned out to be more $10.  That stunk but I had a good time any way.  Then I get back to pick up first friend from second friends house and my jeep totally went kaput.  Turns out one the half shafts was shot and then find out the differential is shot too.  Not cool when you have a million and one things to get done and places to go this week and the people who are supposed to pay you say they have no money to do it.

Now I suppose I could be totally depressed over all this.  Yes, it is driving me crazy trying to figure out how to work things out and I'm really tired of wearing the same clothes since I'm not home and I'm over an hour away and I'm worried about my dog who is at home alone and has surely run out of water by now.  Hopefully I can get home some time tomorrow.

I talked the other day about Satan always trying to interfere in our lives and he is certainly interfering in mine right now.  But the great thing is, is that I have the most wonderful friends in the world.  They are my family.  I love them so much.  None of us has much, but we're always willing to help each other out no matter what.  Somehow we always find a way to make things work.  I believe it's a God thing.  So I say 'bring it on Satan!  I'm ready."

And after reading an article tonight about two young girls who were hit by an SUV with a driver who was drowsy.  The girls were/are 13 and 14 respectively and it was the 13 year old who was killed.  The woman who hit them is 34.  How could I be depressed about my situation when these families are suffering so?  A young life taken so soon and the trauma that the woman who it them must going through.    I can't even imagine how the family of the girl feels or the woman who hit them.  God bless all their souls and may peace to come to them soon.

So that old saying of 'somebody else always has it worse than you do', while true, drives most of crazy.  But I know too well that there is much suffering in our world.  We always seem to get wrapped up in the crazieness of our own lives that we forget about others.  Jesus tells to love our neighbor as our selves.  This doesn't just mean the people next door.  Our neighbors are everyone of our brothers and sisters in Christ across the world.  How awesome would it be it the whole world would love like that?  Fantasy, seems like it.  Probable, probably not.  Gods way?  Yes.  I can only do my part to minister to those with whom I come in contact with, but in my heart I can love everyone.

So if you're feeling bad today or feeling like the world is against you, or as my friend would say, ready to throw in the towel, don't.  Tomorrow is a new day, a new beginning, and a chance for us all to make things right.  Jesus is walking beside you through thick and thin and he's not going to give up on you so don't give up on yourself or him.