Anger

Before I say anything else, I want you to know that I really dislike being angry.  I really dislike losing my temper.  I really dislike conflict.  I really dislike confrontation.  I am an easy going person who most always gets along with everyone, even if I don't particularly like them.  I believe what Jesus says, love your neighbor as your self.  I believe in the golden rule, treat others as you would have them treat you.

99% of the time I manage to not let anger get the best of me.  More often than not, when someone is mean, cruel, hateful, etc. to me, I tend to let them do their thing, turn the other cheek, and walk away.  Only to slink into my own world where I have what I call a 'pity party.'  During this pity party time I will listen to certain kinds of music, mostly songs that are sad, I cry, and sometimes I feel sorry for myself.  I often wonder what I did to deserve to be treated this way.  Why am I the scapegoat?  Why is it all my fault?

Tonight was one of those truly rare occasions when I lost my temper.  Not completely, but enough for everyone around the table at a meeting I was attending to definitely know I had lost my patience.  I pride myself on not losing my temper.  On keeping a cool, calm head in heated discussions.  But tonight that all went out the window.

At some point, when you have listened to people tear you down for the past 13 months and there's just no letting up, somethings gonna happen.  I wasn't rude or mean, I didn't really strike back, but I confronted someone on something they said and ended it with "yeah right."  There were a lot of other things I wanted to say, but thank goodness God kept me from saying them.

Yes, there were several words of profanity that wanted to come spuing out of my mouth.  They were certainly racing through my mind at the time.  All I can say it 'thank you Lord, thank you.'

Returning hatred for hatred never solves anything.  If there's one thing I've learned in all my days, especially growing up in the South, is that there is no place for hatred.  There is no place for cruelty.  Letting yourself drop to this level is letting Satan have his way.  So for just that instance, I let Satan win.  I let him take control tonight and I am not happy about that.  Just because others act with stupidity and ignorance doesn't give me the right to act like that too.

It's going to be a while before I can sleep tonight.  All these thoughts just keep going through my mind and I keep replaying what happened.  I can't take back how I acted, what I said.  And truthfully, I have no desire to ask anyone for forgiveness.  Although when I say my prayers tonight, I will be asking God to forgive me.  To help me to continue to keep my feelings in check.  To be objective.  To be the loving person He expects me to be.  Nobody ever said being a Christian was easy, and certainly no one ever said being a pastor was easy.  In fact, Jesus told us that being a follower of God would bring us hatred, condemnation, and possibly death.

So I end this with, God help me please.  Help me to love those who are unlovable.  Help me to control my temper.  Help me to forgive those 'who know not what they do.'

When Tears Start Falling

Ever had one of those days where you just start crying and have no idea why?  That's the kind of day I had today (yesterday now).  It was really strange.  Was visiting with someone and listening to tunes when all of a sudden tears started rolling down my face.  I'd been having a perfectly good day.  But it continued into the evening.  Every time I turned around there were tears.

I know I'm coming down from an incredible 'high on life' week that I had last week, and I came home to more crap from people who are incredibly ignorant, but all in all it hasn't been a terribly bad 4 days.  I'm missing my 2 best friends in the world right now, but there's always phone calls, emails, and texts.  But for some reason it all decided to hit me today.

It's amazing how hearing certain songs can get you going.  The first one that got to me today was "Blowing in  the Wind" (Peter, Paul & Mary) and then went to "This Song's For You." (sung by Elton John, written by Leon Russell)  Later it was "Forget You" (sung by CeeLo) which did put a smile on my face but also made me sad to know that good time has passed and now it's time to move forward.  And then there was "What Do You Want From Me"(sung by Adam Lambert) and the clincher tonight was "I Will Always Love You."(sung by Dolly Parton)  What the heck, was it meant for me to hear all these songs today just so I could feel all the emotions that I've been going through?  Wouldn't have been so bad but I'm not home, I'm at a friends visiting.  And how do you explain that suddenly you're all teary eyed and can't tell her why?  You can't tell any one why you think you're feeling the way you are.  Very hard to deal with but very essential.  Some things just can't be talked about.  Somethings are better kept inside.

I'm thinking that one reason the tears may have come today were because I helped my friend clean out stuff  from her moms.  Mom died a couple months ago and this was very hard on her.  But maybe it was hard on me too.  I loved her mom dearly, but I think it brought back memories of when my dad died.  Funny, that's the second time that has come to mind in the past week.

I do know that when I love, I love deeply.  So deeply that when someone I love is in pain, I feel that same pain with them.  I want to turn the world back and make it go away for them.  I want them to be happy again.  And when I love I never want to do something to ruin the relationship we have, whatever that relationship is at the time.

They say love heals all wounds.  Maybe.  But the feelings and memories will never truly leave and you have to be careful.  Careful not to add to those wounds and careful not to destroy yourself in the process.  Makes you wonder if it's worth loving, right?  Well I say it is.  What's that other song say?  "I'd rather take the chance than to miss the dance."  Something like that.  Or the old cliche "it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved."

I am glad that I love.  I am glad that I love deeply.  This is who I am.  I am completely committed to what I believe in and who I love.  Can you find someone else that committed?  Many do, a lot don't.  I am still hopeful.  But I now have a very high standard that I've set, (thanks to someone very important to me) and I'm not sure anyone else can stand up to.  Actually I'm pretty sure no one can.  And I'm not looking.  So if life moves on, and there's no chance, then so be it.  Because I would rather live my life alone than to be with someone I don't truly love.  No one should settle for less.

So what I'm saying here is don't give up on love.  Don't quit trying.  But never settle for less than your dreams.  Love is out there and it takes many shapes and forms.  And even if you never find it here, you will always have it in Jesus Christ.  You are never really alone.

The song that really got the tears rolling today:

THIS SONGS FOR YOU
I've been so many places in my life and time; I've sun a lot of song, I've made some bad rhyme;
I've acted out my love in stages, with ten thousand people watching;
But we're alone now, and I'm singing this song for you.

You taught me precious secrets of the truth withholding nothing
You came out in front and I was hiding.  But now I'm so much better,
and if my words don't come together
listen to the melody
cause my love is in there hiding.

I love you in a place where there's no space or time
I love you for my life, you are a friend of mine.
And when my life is over, remember when we were together
We were alone and I was singing this song for you.