99% of the time I manage to not let anger get the best of me. More often than not, when someone is mean, cruel, hateful, etc. to me, I tend to let them do their thing, turn the other cheek, and walk away. Only to slink into my own world where I have what I call a 'pity party.' During this pity party time I will listen to certain kinds of music, mostly songs that are sad, I cry, and sometimes I feel sorry for myself. I often wonder what I did to deserve to be treated this way. Why am I the scapegoat? Why is it all my fault?
Tonight was one of those truly rare occasions when I lost my temper. Not completely, but enough for everyone around the table at a meeting I was attending to definitely know I had lost my patience. I pride myself on not losing my temper. On keeping a cool, calm head in heated discussions. But tonight that all went out the window.
At some point, when you have listened to people tear you down for the past 13 months and there's just no letting up, somethings gonna happen. I wasn't rude or mean, I didn't really strike back, but I confronted someone on something they said and ended it with "yeah right." There were a lot of other things I wanted to say, but thank goodness God kept me from saying them.
Yes, there were several words of profanity that wanted to come spuing out of my mouth. They were certainly racing through my mind at the time. All I can say it 'thank you Lord, thank you.'
Returning hatred for hatred never solves anything. If there's one thing I've learned in all my days, especially growing up in the South, is that there is no place for hatred. There is no place for cruelty. Letting yourself drop to this level is letting Satan have his way. So for just that instance, I let Satan win. I let him take control tonight and I am not happy about that. Just because others act with stupidity and ignorance doesn't give me the right to act like that too.
It's going to be a while before I can sleep tonight. All these thoughts just keep going through my mind and I keep replaying what happened. I can't take back how I acted, what I said. And truthfully, I have no desire to ask anyone for forgiveness. Although when I say my prayers tonight, I will be asking God to forgive me. To help me to continue to keep my feelings in check. To be objective. To be the loving person He expects me to be. Nobody ever said being a Christian was easy, and certainly no one ever said being a pastor was easy. In fact, Jesus told us that being a follower of God would bring us hatred, condemnation, and possibly death.
So I end this with, God help me please. Help me to love those who are unlovable. Help me to control my temper. Help me to forgive those 'who know not what they do.'
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